Acceptance of Me: Death of My Ignorant Bliss — Part 3

Oh 2020 — it’s been funny — at least inside my head. So much has changed in the last couple years since returning home from traveling while working for over a year. The Jessica that traded comfort and home for different and fun in December 2016 — now seems as if she’s just stranger to me. She learned so many things, in so many places while she was there. But the most profound knowings have come lately by reminiscing of those places, the people, her freedom, and her conquered fears.

One of the most difficult things she dealt with after she returned — after all she had seen — was acceptance — not of others so much — but her own acceptance of herself — the death of her ignorant bliss — which was the acceptance of me. She’s always battled feeling different and hiding her “weird” — partly a side affect of being sensitive to others — and feeling what they feel. There is such a sadness that exists when you live that way — when you can’t be you — and you put too much value what others will say.

The Jessica that left — she did do all the “right” things — she got married to a good guy, bought a nice house, attempted housewife life — she even tried that twice — then she got divorced too — because that’s “okay” — and perhaps even considered “normal” these days.

As a result, she held shame and bitterness towards society and conditioning for controlling her life in a way. Then upon further reflection, she believed that these things were her fault — and she was the only one to blame. I believe then — she felt — that the only way she could escape those illusions — was to just travel the world — others blamed her for running away.

So she went or she ran whatever you want to say — lived in over a dozen different countries, and “eat, pray, & love’d” all over the place. As far as she traveled you would think she would’ve gotten somewhere new — but it was just a big giant circle — perhaps because self discovery is not found in a different place — it’s not a circle — more like a spiral found deep with in you. So while she went in a circle, and learned lots of things, she still returned home with the same self-imposed feelings — restless feelings of things — like guilt and shame. It wasn’t until recently she realized that — that these feelings that felt really bad — were illusions — and useless — they were not hers to be had.

It took her awhile — but she finally got there. She taught me so much about me through her experiences, hard lessons, and facing her fears.

🌀She taught me that if anything feels bad — then it’s something I shouldn’t do — even if someone else thinks I should. — I still don’t have to do what they do.

🌀She taught me that feelings of guilt and shame — fear and pain — are only temporary — they are not permanent — they do not define you — and they certainly are not true.

🌀She taught me that striving towards “perfection” is only exhausting and foolhardy — and that it’s more perfect anyway to just follow your heart — authentically .

She taught me all those things and so much more — things I would’ve never learned without her — things I am so grateful for. With that being said — I’m glad that she’s dead — because she’s in a happy place now — and she’s not totally gone — memories of her still burn — when she clearly reminds me if I make a wrong turn. It is through that — that I know — the memories of her and her strong spirit lives on.

So her message to me — when I start feeling down — is that I have the choice to rise above it — or change nothing and drown. For her — she found — that things felt better when she accepted who we are, reflections upon her past, and her current mind-state — all improved — when she stopped the regret and began to focus on the good and appreciate.

She does not advise denying uncomfortable emotions and stuffing them away — because then they live with in you — they fester and stay. For her it was best to feel them, understand them, thank them, and then send them on their way. She says every emotion has a reason it’s felt — and that it’s there to teach you something important — typically about yourself.

She tells me when you start blaming your emotions on someone or some thing — you’re handing over your power — and forgetting your inner strength. At first that advice might feel apathic or maybe just tough love — but the truth is — it is the truth — and it’s all about acceptance and understanding — a thing called unconditional love — no conditions — just love — it’s a beautiful gift we’re all given — from up above. She says the contrast you experience — is part of the greater plan — for when you embrace the good and forgive the bad — that’s when you find peace — and purpose — in the things that once made you mad.

And it was when she understood this truth — finally — that she forgave herself — and gave birth to me. It seems — I was living inside her all this time — but I was shackled in chains — and attached to false emotions that felt like pain. The chains were tangled and tightly locked — but she was determined and persistent — she wanted to — but she never gave up. I am so thankful she didn’t — because she found the key — through facing her fears with self-acceptance, self-love, and remembering. By remembering who she really was — she revived her power — collected the strength — to unshackle the chains — and set me free.

It was dark in there — but now I can breathe — and I will always treasure her — for what she went through for me. I am not indebted to her — nor do I owe her a thing — rather I am extremely grateful and appreciative — and now I am committed to her — like she committed to me. I will show her that by always remembering her, but still being me, and living life 100% — without guilt, nor in shame or fear — only true, only real — and most of all — wholly me.

The spirit of her is the same spirit of me — she is the me who is fearless, happy, and free. I am she — only now we are living authentically.